Sin City.

Up. Down. Up. Down.

You will never understand depression until you have lived it. 

Sad Story.

She gives lifeless dead hugs, she is not interested in other people, only herself. 

A Californian Adventure.

I was sat on a wooden bench writing a story when he approached me. I had been oblivious to the world around me for the past few hours until he made contact with me, asked me what I was writing about, I told him.

He look disheveled, as if he had been living rough for quite some time, underneath his unshaven brown beard he had a kind face with memorizing blue eyes.

We began to get to know one another.

I was in California visiting a friend; he was on an unforeseen life-changing journey that had arisen as a result of his father’s sudden tragic death.

His Name was Rudy. 

After Rudy’s fathers recent passing, Rudy cleared out his father’s belongings; among the belongings that had belonged to his father, Rudy found a box of memoirs. He had not known of this boxes existence prior to its discovery, the box had been buried underneath various sorts of clutter that one collects when living in the same house for years on end. 

The box was wooden, dusty and extremely aged, inside were all sorts of types of memories all in different forms; photographs, letters, cassettes, train tickets, airplane tickets. Inside the dusty wooden box Rudy found a scroll of paper filled with all different types of desires for adventure. His father had written a list of all the things he wanted to do in his lifetime, various wants had a black line crossed through them, Rudy assumed this had meant his father had completed that particular desire. 

The list was long and uncompleted; there were still many black lines that needed to be put through desires on the long list.

As Rudy’s father had tragically passed away, his list was to remain forever uncompleted. His father had been murdered as a result of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I could feel Rudy’s devastation and could sympathize with his newfound sadness. Rudy has decided to dedicate the rest of his life to completing his father’s adventurous wish list, since he knew his father was now unable to do so.  He read the list out loud to me, it was all very exciting, and it reminded me of my very own list at times.

Rudy had not done many of the things on the list either, he was extremely excited to fulfill his father’s wish list as well as experience all these new things for himself. Rudy’s father’s death was practically recent and so he had not begun to complete the thrilling list just yet. The list was extensive, to name a few it read; Skydiving, hiking mountains, kayaking down waterfalls, skinny dipping in the ocean, this one caught my attention in particular, I asked him if he himself had ever skinny-dipped. He said he had never. I asked him if he wanted to go rite there rite then, the ocean was only a 10-minute walk from where we were sitting.  He could not believe my request but he said he wanted to. No time to change our minds, we began to run to the beach.

Hearts beating our of our chest, sweat dripping down our faces, beach full of people sunbathing, playing volley ball, having beers, listening to music, cuddling, laughing, eating, reading; we wasted no time undressing ourselves, we were in such an energized state of urgency, adrenaline racing from all the exhilaration. Naked. We ran in to the clear blue ocean, we swam in to the distance where we remained for a long, long period of time. The smile on Rudy's face was one of complete happiness, the biggest, most happy, true smile I have ever seen.  

Through conversing with Rudy on that wooden bench, I could feel how sadness had consumed his mind, his life. He had not felt absolute happiness for a while; I wanted to help him have some light back in his life by helping him to begin on his newfound journey to completing his father’s adventurous wish list. It gave me pleasure to see him draw his first black line through one of the desires on his father’s wish list.

Here is to Rudy and his adventures, may he continue to fulfill his fathers wish list and so much more. 

District Line.

On the underground last night as I was making my way from my house to my ride to Brighton to see some of my most favorite people on this earth, listening to Al Green totally zoned out in my own world, standing up naturally moving to the groove of the incredible music playing in my ears. Looking like a weirdo as always, not caring as always. Although standing on a train surrounded by strangers, I was miles away. An elder man and his wife jump on to the carriage I am on at Paddington underground station, he looks at me, I smile, he smiles back with an incredible smile that touches his ears, his wife does not see. He starts grooving to my music, expressing his love for what I was listening to, he tells me he loves my taste, I lip read as I can hear nothing but the music, his wife smiles and begins to groove with us.  Even though I was already in a positively beautiful mood, this made me so much more electrifyingly happy to be amongst a fellow music appreciator, I could not stop smiling. What a beautiful encounter. 

Toxic.

I have no admiration for people who do not care about their bodies and overall health, people who are capable but lazy. An enormously large number of people abuse their health. Dabbling in mischievous things here and there is fine, I feel one should be recreational, it is pleasurable and a great way to calm down from regular regime as well as open your mind, so long as it is in moderation and not excess. Everyday abuse is simply vile and toxic. It does no good for your overall bodily health, physical and mental.

Try and change for the better, do it for you. Try to be the best version of yourself that you can be, it is never too late for self-improvement. Find help, you do not need to walk alone, unless you are strong enough to do so.

In the beginning changing your ways may be hard but in the end it will be worth it. Having improved fitness, body confidence, breathing easier, surly these things are so much more valuable than waking up every Sunday morning feeling like absolute death. 

You have the power to make a decision about what you do differently tomorrow, break bad routine now and build a better one for yourself and yourself only, do it so that your quality of life is as good as it can be. At the end of the day it is your life and you will do as you wish.  Your body is a temple, it is such an astonishingly flawlessly designed machine, don’t ruin it by making it toxic.  

Look in the mirror and check in with yourself rite now. 

Balance.

I have been writing on paper more than ever recently and so for that reason I have not written to the world in a while. I actually lost my brown, leather journal that I have been writing in so much, it is as though it vanished into thin air. With me one day, gone the next.

I have been talking to absolutely everybody as always. To me, there is no reason not to talk to everybody weather you know them or not, a hello to a stranger goes a long way. I can’t not speak or smile to whom ever walks past me.

I am finally in a place from within side of myself where I feel strong and in control. I have been weak in the past but I have always carried the potential to shed my weakness and grow strong. People have always had more confidence in me than I have ever had myself. My own negative thinking and self-destructive behaviour have held me back for so many years. I feel free from myself. I feel as though I have broken free from one of the biggest obstacles I will ever face in my entire life and this is the battle of self-destruction with myself.

I am free. My journey has not been easy or quick; it has been so I difficult and there have been so many points where I wanted nothing more but to die. I managed to confront my demons head on a deal with them one by one. I am so proud of myself. I am also so appreciative for the people who have helped me to find my way by influencing me for the better.  I have never had better friends in my life or met better strangers.

I have not had the easiest battle to fight; nevertheless I have found my way and have more than enough space for eternal self-growth. My mind is open, open to everyone and everything. I can speak about my feelings openly, something I have never been able to do. I have always carried such anger; all I could feel in my heart was hate and sadness. Everything is colourful now, tings are bright and my heart is open.  

Writing helped me to heal so much.

I am on a beautiful journey, life. My journey continues to evolve and be as thrilling as ever. I am doing the things that make me happy, looking after my mental and physical health, keeping the peace with everybody and everything and simply being at one with the universe.

I am so excited to see my path unfold over the years; I see great and beautiful things for myself. The future is bright. 

I have unlocked my energies that have been trapped in a box in a place in my mind; I am ready now to share them with you all. 

I was always in exceedingly high spirits, energized and full of life, or horrifically depressed on the verge of suicide. I could never find a medium place. Up down. I have found my balance, life is beautiful now.

I wont go into my general thoughts about the state of the world at this current moment in time, that is a whole other obstacle I must try to change with a lot of help. I am on my way.   

I hope you can find your way too.