Enzymes.

My tongue is burnt from eating too much kiwi.

Acid.

The rave was in a secret location in Brixton, the location was not disclosed until ridiculously late on the Saturday night.  I went with Gerry and his friend Shaun.  I had never met Shaun before, I just met Shaun in the taxi on the way to the rave but Gerry had told me about him before over the phone so I suppose I felt like I knew him little bit already. Shaun’s eyes had recently been opened to a new sort of life and this was to be his first rave experience.

After a relatively long and not so picturesque drive we arrived at our point of destination, it was nothing more than a little wooden gate, nothing more than a little wooden gate to a regular passer by, but to us it was where our psychedelic evening would unfold.   

Beyond the little wooden gate smiley happy faces greeted us, Gerry introduced Shaun and I to some of his friends, he is a total regular of the raves you see.  There was a bomb fire with bum like people crowded around it who were clearly trying keep warm since it was such a bitterly cold night. The people were smoking, chatting and they generally appeared to be having a good time.

In we went, Shaun, Gerry and I, we paid a £5 entrance fee to the not so clean shaven, fairly old lanky black man standing in-between a cloak room sort of walk way, it wasn’t outside yet it wasn’t exactly where the party was. After we paid our £5 the man moved aside and allowed us to wholly enter the party.

As we enter I’m hit by the atmosphere, there is so much to take in and there are so many new faces that I have never seen before. Each person unique in his or her own way, I’m very much looking forward to what is in store for me by this point.

The first room was evidently the ‘relax zone’ where one would go when they wanted to chill out away from the madness; some people were already in that state of mind and so were laying on the beanbags that were spread over the floor. The room was calm and there where psychedelic throws hung all over the walls. The three of us head toward to second room, it was dark but not dingy, there were glowing throws hung all over the walls, the trance music was loud and went straight through your body, people were dancing, lights were flashing. The three of us took in the atmosphere, found out feet and removed our jackets. I went to the toilet, there were only two but I waited until my turn. I always find the whole waiting in line for the toilet slightly awkward, not uncomfortably awkward just strange.  There were all types of people dancing around me as I waited in line. After I had peed I found my way back to Gerry and Shaun, they were by the ice cream bar.

This place was your usual psychedelic environment full of crazy free spirits each dressed in there own unique style all appearing to be having a good time. Gerry and I got straight down to business and found the guy with the acid, he dropped the acid onto our hands and we licked our hands making sure to lick it all off in order to get the full effect. Shaun had never taken acid before and he didn’t feel like tonight was the night for it to be his first time after all and so he took some MDMA instead. We were standing next to the ice-cream bar when the above events of acid licking took place, the girl serving ice cream offered me some for free and I accepted.  After acid licking and free ice cream Gerry and I got a balloon each and took to the dance floor. I wasn’t high on acid yet, only high on life. We inhaled our balloon; breathing in then out, then in then out and each went far out into our own world for a little while.  There’s nothing quit like the rush you get from taking a nitrous oxide balloon, it goes straight to your head and all there is, is the moment you are in, you forget about what’s around you and it feels as though you are going to remain in that moment forever, for the rest of your life, until you simply snap out of it and come back down to earth and silently wish to yourself that you wish that moment would have lasted longer but it doesn’t and you move on.  

After dancing for a while Gerry and I went to chill out on the beanbags in the chill zone. We socialized for a bit but then the atmosphere became a little intense for me, I felt trapped and needed to get some air. By now I was undoubtedly up on the acid.  I became hot and so Gerry and I went outside to cool down, we found a spot of our own in the scrap yard like garden, we climbed some wooden scrap blocks until we reached a high point that gave us an over view of the bum like people standing around the bomb fire. At the time I never questioned where he was but Shaun was nowhere to be seen and it had been a while since I saw him last.  Gerry and I relaxed for a while then went back in to party. I am not going to go into my whole acidic experience, as that alone is a fascinating story, this story is simply to tell you about the shared experience of being at the secret rave. I will however tell you that my trip turned for the worse and became painfully dark but it later evolved to be incredibly beautiful and I could have stayed in that beautiful place for a lifetime.  Anyhow, now back inside Gerry and I danced for a while, I had my bag on my back but I wanted it on the floor so I could dance more freely but due to the acid I felt somewhat paranoid to leave my bag on the floor, usually I would have no problem in doing so but surrounded by unfamiliar strangers I felt horribly uncomfortable leaving my belongings in the floor.

I went to the toilet for the second time and again there was a queue like before. There were two toilets opposite each other but it seems as though the left hand toilet was the only one in use since somebody was taking a really, really long time in the right hand side toilet. Eventually it was my turn to be next and I poked my head in through the toilet on the right as the door was not shut and I wanted to know why this person was taking so long or if there was even anybody in there at all, since I have a habit of waiting for empty toilets, not intentionally it just works out that way. I looked in and sitting down on the toilet with a ridiculous sun hat on was Shaun. It was as though he was hiding under his had thinking that nobody could see him, it truly was fucking hilarious. I called for Gerry and Gerry came to get him, I guess this environment was not for him after all. Of all the places to be, he was in the toilet, this is not a club with many toilets, you cant just hide in there its not fair to the people waiting especially as he didn’t even lock the door its as though he wanted to be found and I did indeed find him. After finding Shaun and after I had peed, I danced some more but then became to overwhelmed by my own imagination, I needed to go back outside to calm down but it felt as though it didn’t matter where I went, inside or out, this particular environment was not doing me any favors.

I told Gerry I was leaving, he told me to stay but as a result of my previous acid trip I knew this particular feeling oh so well and I would have been a fool if I had not learnt from my previous mistake and I didn’t listen to my heart. Like I said I’ll go into detail about the trip some other time but yes I did end up deserting the premises, running down the road and jumping in a random taxi. I talked to the taxi driver the whole way home, I felt as though I could talk to him since he seemed to be not far from my age, I described what it was like to be on acid and I illustrated to him all the things I was thinking and feeling. I was feeling somewhat manic but I knew I had some things to untangle before I would snap out of this particular mode of insanity.

I have learnt that I love acid but I don’t love acid in an environment filled with people I do not know, I like to take it in a calm relaxed environment where my mind can wonder and not over think things and get freaked out by other peoples actions. I also learnt that you must not lie to yourself, you must listen to yourself and you must trust your instincts’. I did know all of these things already but they were all confirmed to me in the most intense way possible. I feel as though all of these principles are so imprinted on my mid that I will never forget again.

Here is to opening your mind and tripping. 

Teeth.

There’s nothing like a new toothbrush. 

Unbalanced.

I wish my fucking endorphins would make up their mind. 

Mad Lennie.

It was Friday night when we met; I had had a ludicrously long and fairly monotonous week at work. I was supposed to meet a friend after work for a drink but she cancelled me last minute, I didn’t let that stop me from making the most of my Friday evening, I thought to myself, its Friday night why go home?  I work rite in the heart of the London madness, as soon as work was out, I set out for an adventure on my own and merely floated through the busy London streets with absolutely no destination in mind, I just walked in which ever direction felt rite at the time, I did not stop to question where I was going I just let it be.

The night was cold but fresh, the streets were buzzing with people, hundreds of people each doing their own thing. I stopped, watched and admired every busker I saw, I admire them for doing what they love in the streets for all to see.

Anyway, after wandering around for a rather long time I came across another busker, I liked the sound of his music, it was the most chilled out kind that I had heard all night and so I decided to sit down on some stairs across form Charing Cross train station. I had been sitting on the stairs for a while, watching people go by, up and down the stairs as I listened to the man play his guitar so beautifully well. It was pleasant and calm and I was in a great mood.  I was writing my thoughts in my journal and that’s when we met.

He interrupted me with a hello; I looked up to acknowledge the stranger and me being I greeted him with open arms. Hello I said and from there we got chatting to one another He told me he knew what it was like, I momentarily didn’t have clue what he was on about until I realised he thought I was homeless. I fail to this day to see why he thought I was homeless not baring in mind the fact I was sitting on the floor as I work for a fashion company, I wasn’t exactly dressed in ripped rags if you know what I mean. I had a leopard print fur coat on, dark jeans and a hoodie. My hood was up though.  I’m guessing it was the unapproachable don’t acknowledge me look combined with sitting on the floor and warring a dark hood.  He introduced himself to me, said he was Mad Lennie, I told him it was a pleasure to meet him and that I was mad Lily.

Lennie and I talked for absolutely ages, he used to live on the streets, he’s ok now though, has a job at waterloo train station, fixing the trains. Lennie’s been in and out of prison and has a daughter with his ex-wife, his daughter who is now 16 is totally unaware of his mischievous past that was filled with drugs, violence, homelessness and general bad experiences. I loved how Lennie was expressing his life to me and deeply opening up, I’m a good listener and I love to listen to people’s stories. I never told Lennie I wasn’t homeless as I didn’t really feel the need, since it was he who had assumed that I was in the first place and I figured we would never met again and so why not embody this homeless entity that he though I was for the evening whilst I was in his company. 

Lennie said I must be so hungry, I told him I was fine but he insisted on buying me dinner before we went our separate ways. I persisted to insist that I was fine and not hungry, he said he would forever feel awful if he didn’t buy me dinner. Lennie said he had £3 on him and that he would really love to spend that on buying us McDonalds for dinner. A great cynic for MacDonald’s and its evil existence, I said fuck it and let him buy me dinner. I had not eaten the shit since I was at least 7 years old but whatever I was a ‘homeless girl’ and beggars cannot be choosers. We went to McDonalds, Lennie and I did `Lennie asked me what I wanted but I told him to choose as I really didn’t care. We got dinner and went back outside where we chatted away over our McDonalds and listened to the same guy playing guitar, guilt aside for the poison I was putting in my body, I generally felt so happy to be eating dinner with Lennie. 

Lennie is a kind-hearted stranger who kept acknowledging the fact that he didn’t have to speak to me when he did but he was drawn to me, this act of kindness will forever be with me.  I am happy to have met Lennie on that Friday night. Everyday my mind is opened a little bit more and I welcome every new experience that comes my way with open arms. Bring on the next one. 

Blood, Needles and a Syringe.

I gave blood on my lunch break yesterday; I had wanted to donate my blood for a long while. I went to give blood at my local blood bank in 2008 but I had recently had a piercing at the time and so the nurse said I couldn’t do it, after that I suppose it just never crossed my mind to go back again, until recently that is. I had been looking around for somewhere to donate and then when I wasn’t looking I stumbled across a place to donate.

 I was walking through the back streets of Oxford Street as I was on my way to work; I was almost at my destination of work place when I saw a blood bank, I went in and made an appointment for 2.00, my lunch hour. 

The morning at work went by pretty quickly, I didn’t hang around to eat with anybody I left to complete my bloody mission. After waiting around for a little while, and drinking lemonade it was my turn to donate.

First of all I had an iron test where a lady pricked my finger and squeezed out my blood, she then got a little syringe and drained the blob of blood from my finger and put the blood in a test tube filled with some sort of liquid and pressed a button.  The lady told me to take a seat on the red chairs outside and wait until my name was called. I sat comfortably for at least a minute until a girl called my name.  I could tell she was a trainee nurse, as she looked young and fresh faced. I was a little sceptical as back in year 8 or 9 when I had my BCG skin test I had a trainee nurse who supposedly was about to kill me as she placed the 6 pin needle in the wrong place, lucky she didn’t press down.  Anyhow as a result of that experience I wondered what was in store for me.  I didn’t say anything or act hesitantly towards the nurse I just let her do her thing and thought to myself, whatever will be will be.

The nurse asked which arm I wanted to use, I said my left and then she asked me to lie down. I didn’t feel nervous; as I have had so many piercings I find the whole medicinal experience fairly thrilling. The nurse cleaned my arm for 30 seconds, she used a timer to count the 30 seconds, she then let it dry for 30 seconds and then it was time. The nurse asked if I was ready, I told her I was more than ready and sort of in a rush to get back to work. In the needle went; it felt completely fine. The nurse asked me to open and close my hand to help the blood pump out, I was opening and closing my left hand so quickly as I figured it would make the blood pump faster. I read in a booklet before I signed up to give my blood that if you squeeze your bum cheeks then it helps the blood pump quickly. And so I was lying down on this bed opening and closing my left hand really rapidly whilst squeezing my left bum check then my right and then both at the same time repeatedly. There were five other donators surrounding me all on different beds who were all donating at the same time as me, I was the last to lie down but I was also the first to finish donating. The nurse said my blood pumped out really fast which means I have really good circulation. This made me happy. It took 4 minutes and 19 second.  The nurse then went on to say, ‘as good as that is, if you have an accident you will loose blood just as fast’.

I watched the whole process of the needle going in and the blood coming out, I found it fascinating. I didn’t get light headed, sick or anything people say you usually get when giving blood. Afterwards I was told to sit down for 10 minutes before leaving and eat some food, I had no time I said, I had to get back to work and off I went. All in all it was a good experience, I know somebody is in need of my blood much more than I am, I have more than enough and so I can spare some on a regular occasion and so I will most certainly become a regular donor, you are allowed to donate every 4 months.  Go and give your blood. 

Friday London.

Down.

If you start your relationship with anybody based on lies, where can it go from there?